"How am I not myself?"

I guess I get too ambitious and write long pretentious posts about imagined conflicts or futile analogies...or I write nothing at all. Consistency, I think I want consistency now. Not just consistency in my bjournal, but consistency in my life. But consistency can rapidly become routine, and routine can lead to boredom. So I guess I want some varied and exciting consistency. And I want a spear that can pierce any shield and a shield that is impervious to all spears.

"Everything is the same even if it's different."

Perhaps I feel like a contradiction myself. A contradiction born in indifference. Knowing what should be done, but failing to do so. Knowing what shouldn't be done, but failing to refrain. Nothing major or of a serious nature, yet that makes it all the more rational and justifiable.

"You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."

And that's where the real contradiction comes in. I know I should care. I feel the conflict within and try to remain a Switzerland in my own life. It's Dustin's own defense system, if there is an emotional wound or leak anywhere I just lock down everything until I get it under control. The problem is that this defense mechanism is so well tuned and automated, it happens without my knowledge or even consent. And before I know it, I don't feel.

"And suddenly I felt nothing. I couldn't cry. So, once again, I couldn't sleep."

But it's the easy way out. And sadly, that is what I tend to look for -- the easy way out. I don't look for the difficult or most challenging manner of action. No that sounds like work. And while I have been known to knuckle down and do hard work from time to time (or even for a two year period), it's usually because I'm out of options or there is no options. And sadly enough, barely dodging the bullet doesn't seem to make me that much more likely to avoid gunfire, it seems only to affirm my own ability to dodge bullets. I imagine it's like a soldier who survives several dozen battles, no longer sees each missed shot or dodged bullet as miraculous or spectacular, but rather sees it as common or expected. Shots riddling all around you and your not worried about the next clip unloaded at you or the one that just missed you, you've grown apathetic. If the next one gets you, that sucks and if it misses you that's rad. You feel like you have not control over your destiny and "suddenly you become euphoric, docile, you accept your fate."

"I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue...I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work."

Dallin Oaks just spoke at the devotional and the topic of his talk was "Where will this lead?" Which makes me think...where WILL this lead? That, is an excellent question.

"Feel better, champ."

...myself?