“I can do anything I want. And so can you.”

Last night was another failed attempt at seeing Napolean Dynamite. Apparently I would have had to have been there 4 hours early to get in a position to have been able to get in, I just chalked it up to experience. I went with some guys from work, so it wasn’t that bad and a carpool is always nice.

So, I came home a couple hours earlier than I had intended and with the desire to be entertained. So, I decided to watch the movie Donnie Darko in its entirety. I had seen parts of it and I think even had the story told to me at one point (I had since forgotten it), but my brother Todd had mentioned watching it again recently, he and Spencer both really like the movie, and so I decided to sit back and enjoy. And I did.

I like movies, they’re fun and entertaining. But every so often you come across a film that speaks to you, that encapsulates an emotion or sensation, that some how captivates you on a deep level. It makes you think, it makes you feel. Many people pass these movies off as being weird, dark, odd, or even just disturbing. And often months or years after their release, they are refered to as “cult classics.” I think this just means a movie that many people love, but of which the general public or even just the movie industry does not approve. “How could anyone like that movie?” Sorry if it doesn’t have a huge special effects budget, a clever hollywood ending and massive commercial marketing tie-ins. Maybe it’s the story?

I love Fight Club. Its hard for me to say why it is that I love this movie. I stumbled across a pirated version of it on the internet my freshman year, shortly after its release. My roommate and cousin, Mark and I watched it, and then watched it again and again. Despite its poor quality on my computer, it riveted us nonetheless. Maybe it was the time in my life that I came across it, or maybe it was the circumstances under which I first watched it, but it became a sort of anthem at that time. I have watched it tens of dozens of times since. I have it on DVD, VHS, AVI, and the book. The movie is profane, violent, and should be a movie I despise. But I don’t. To me the words often sound poetic and capture some of my own raw emotions. Many remember it as that movie with Brad Pitt beating people up; thinking it something akin to a Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Lionheart. And if all you get out of Fight Club, is a club of people fighting, then I am sorry. Its like saying that Michealangelo's David is just a pornographic statue or that Catch-22 is just another war novel. For me, the film was about purpose, frustration, self-discovery...freedom.

And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.

Webster’s dictionary defines catharsis as: the process of relieving an abnormal excitement by reestablishing the association of the emotion with the memory or idea of the event that first caused it, and of eliminating it by complete expression; a technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.

Is that why I love these movies? That cathartic feeling, the expression or purging, somehow makes me feel that much more alive? Is it a comparison or a contrast? Maybe I just like to be given a stimulus to think and feel in ways that I never have...or don’t allow myself to.

...“You met me at a very strange time in my life.”