“Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.”

So I’ve got a roommate. Actually it seems more like I am renting one of the rooms in my house. Dan (I don’t even know his last name) is from California…somewhere. He just got back from an LDS mission to Nebraska and wants to be a dentist. He even lived in Budge Hall the same year as Colin, though he doesn’t think he knows him. People keep asking me “so how’s your new roommate?” And “what’s your roommate like?” Honestly, I don’t know. I think I have had more conversation with the guys that fixed my transmission than I have with the person living in the same apartment as me. He has a TV/VCR combo and so as he was unpacking and what not over the last few days he has just stayed in his room and watched movies, even had buddies come over to hang. All done within the confines of his room. I guess this shouldn’t bother me, he does his thing, I do mine. But, it’s one thing to be the ‘Odd Couple’ and have someone you argue with or conflict with, its an entirely different thing to be the ‘Awkward Couple,’ coming and going without so much as a “what’s up, dude.” It’s like I feel that something is amiss between us. Maybe just lacking some unifying element.

“No milk will ever be our milk”

Additionally I seem to monopolize the use of the living room, most of the refrigerator, the cupboard space, and the entirety of the freezer. Not because I am trying to maintain some sort of control or influence in the apartment. Mostly it’s just because, well, it was just me using that stuff last week. I can share; I was pretty good at it growing up. I’ll admit I had a hard time waiting my turn on Super Mario Bros. or letting my best friend play with my ‘Snake Eyes’ or He-Man action figure. But I’d like to think I’m a good roommate. And after all, He-Man even let Man-At-Arms crash at Castle Greyskull.

“Actually this shirt belongs to Frank. See [shows Frank’s name written in large print inside the shirt] Frank.”

So, after coming back from some delicious pancakes over at Brit’s, I came home to find that Dan had just came home, with some Del Taco, and was fixing to eat and watch TV. “Excellent, this is a perfect chance to hang with and bond with my roommate. But how, dang it, how?” I sat down and picked up the remote and began to surf, desperate for something that might interest him and spark some conversation. ESPN? No its baseball, I hate baseball and I asked about his favorite sports…basketball and football. His brother even played for BYU’s team. Cool. The desperate search goes on. And then I came to a classic that few people can honestly say they don’t find funny, let alone haven’t quoted into oblivion: Billy Madison.

I haven’t seen it in awhile and I figure that someone who has been on a mission for the last two years, probably hasn’t seen it in a while. So I set down the remote, leaned back in the lovesac and laughed. Watching it reminded me of a few things. 1) The unifying power of a good classic comedy. 2) The way network television censors can butcher a good classic comedy. And D) well those were really the only two things, but good points usually come in three’s so…I was reminded of my love for dodge ball.

[As a side note, Billy Madison was directed by Tamra Davis, (Tammy D) wife of Mike D of the Beastie Boys, who also directed Half-Baked (yay!) and sadly Crossroads (booo!)]

So Dan and I sat there laughing and remarking on the clever way the network found to take out classic jokes, like the principal’s valentine to Billy stating “P.S. I’m Horny” and the complete loss of Billy mocking a kid stuttering. “Ta-ta-ta-TODAY JUNIOR!” And the strange addition of a unfunny and slightly awkward scene of the Madison house staff playing kickball with Billy. Reminding yet again why some deleted scenes were deleted in the first place. There was a hot French maid in the scene, so I guess it wasn’t a total loss. And better yet, Dan and I seem to better friends because of it. Not like we’re going to be so close, we’ll hang out all the time after I move out, be his best man at his wedding and name our kids after each other. I guess it takes effort to even maintain a nice neutral relationship. Still, it will be nice to get moved in to my new place next week, where I’ll room with old buddies for the next year.

“Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.”

I had a few periods on my mission that were either superbly excellent or craptastically crappy experiences living with other people. And from that I learned that the most important thing I can do to have a good experience with a roommate is to just try. If I want to and I try to, then things seem to work out fine. But when I make up my mind that this guy is an utter jerk-face, we both remain awkward and merely superficially cordial. And I sigh with a big exhale of relief when one of us leaves. And then, after the wave of fury passes on, I feel regret. Regret for being a schmuck. Finding myself still angry and hostile to someone I haven’t seen in probably 3 years. The thought of whom makes my skin crawl. I spent so much time blaming him and hating the situation and now realizing that it was just as much my fault as his. Yeah, he was guilty too, but it’s not his fault, he was just a jerk. But I guess by doing nothing I was too. I don’t subscribe the philosophy that we’re victims of our environment and surroundings. And while it may sound sort of new-age, self-actualization -ish, you control your destiny. You control the tone of your relationships. If there’s problems, you talk about them. Things are bad, make them better. If you do nothing, you have no right to complain. I did nothing and things were bad. So…I guess that was my bad.

“Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

…sorry about that.