"Never is an awfully long time"

Now I didn't ever say I would "never" blog or write again. More like I just stopped. I was just done with that phase of my life.

“I’ll tell you a story. I once fell deeply, profoundly in love with tropical fish. I had sixty fish tanks in my house. I’d skin-dive to find the right ones. Anisotremus virginicus, Holacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon capistratus. You name it. Then one day, I say "[Screw] fish." I renounce fish; I will never set foot in that ocean again. That was seventeen years ago and I have never since stuck so much as a toe into that ocean. And I love the ocean!”
“But why?”
“Done with fish.”

The last time I wrote was about this time 2 years ago. So basically in the time it takes a mormon missionary to go and come back, I have been silent. So with a new year comes the chance for reconciliation and rebirth, and in my case it heralds a new post. 2005 was a huge year for me. I went from fighting Pirates and hunting Indians to getting a Joint Checking account and picking out pillow cases with matching duvet cover. Yeah I put my sword and tomahawks down and got married to the girl of my dreams on August 5th 2005. Everything else that year was pretty much a blur.

"He has found himself a... Wendy. And Hook is all alone."

The last year was filled with big changes: finishing college, moving out of Utah and getting a job. And filled with big challenges: unemployment, losing my Uncle Mike, and Costco (if you have to ask you wouldn't understand). But 2006 has gone the way of the Buffalo (not the ones in Yellowstone, I mean the ones that are extinct) and so I look forward to the future.

"Then tell me, "Future Boy", who's President in the United States in 1985?"

A future bright with hope and possibilities. I've got some goals and ideas for the coming year. 2005 was a year of calm waters and sunny skies and 2006 had some seriously stormy seas, but I think the next year I'm going to be setting sail toward some new and uncharted waters, filled with spectacular views and harrowing straits. I think I'm ready for some adventure.

"I know this has been a difficult time for you, but I want you to try to enjoy this day. Commencement: the end of one thing, the start of something new."

2007: the start of something new.

"You're not gonna propose are you?"

Her name is Kiley Ann Thompson. I really haven't written much since we've been dating and I suppose that its mostly because I am so happy. I write to vent my thoughts and my frustrations. Sort of a one-sided counseling session where I talk things out to deal with them. But talking with Kiley sort of fulfills that need and my writing on the site dwindles. I suppose my angst was in fact my muse. But just because I'm not riddled inner turmoil or deep personal psychological analysis, doesn't mean I can't write about what's going on in my life. What what's bigger than finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And as of yesterday...I'm engaged.

"I wasn't looking for a girl like that."
"Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone. Look at you, you're here."

Kiley and I had been talking about marriage for a while. Well it sort of began as joking, then postulating, slowly evolving into a more real and solidified form. We had met each others families and spent time with each over the Christmas holiday. We'd even managed to get into some decent fights to provide some context to our elation. Nothing worthy of a Real World or Jerry Springer episode, but enough to require some comprimise by each. (As a side note apparently girlfriends harbor deep-seeded resentment to ending a breakfast date early to leave early to go snowboarding with your buddies for the third time this week.) But we love each other and understand each other. I know why she acts the way she does and she knows that I think I understand the way she acts. I know when to shut up and just listen rather than give advice and she knows how But best of all we make each other laugh and we have fun together. She's my best friend

"I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride..."
"Hey, now, be fair. EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."

Well since my asking her to marry me was not really that big of a surprise, I felt like when and how I asked should be. I got her the day off from work and when she arrived and was told she wasn't suppose to work, she was given the first of several clues that would lead her around Provo and included something for her at each locale. Now I'd give all the sorted details here, but each time I relate the details of the day's event I find that to most people it eems cute and nice, but to her and even to me, it was very special. It was about us. They say that you shouldn't share your most personal and special spiritual experiences, because the each time you share them, a little bit of the magic and the "special" is lost. And that's why I probably won't ever talk much about how I felt over the last week and especially yesterday. Maybe I don't think anyone would be able to relate to it, or maybe I'm afraid they will.

"What kind of convenience store do you run here?"

But I will say this. We met at the 7-Eleven on 500 North and University Avenue. Two times actually, first in mid July and then again in early November. And yesterday at the end of her adventure across Provo, I met Kiley at the 7-Eleven again. And this time I asked her to marry me. She said yes.

...
"Yeah, buddy, I am."
"Well...think about it."

I thought about it, prayed about it, and I have never been more sure about anything in my life. "She's my Rushmore."

"I'm sure he just got tied up in court again."

I was suppose to go hang out with a buddy last night. Nothing big, just someone I hadn't seen in a while...but it never happened. He just never showed up or called. The reason I bring this is not because I was really that upset about it specifically, but more aggrevated about it generally.

"I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up."

In Hong Kong we called it "getting fonged," fong being short for a chinese idiom that means a person didn't make it to their appointment because they fell out of the plane on the way. And as satisfying as the image might be, you still felt disheartened and a bit rejected. Additionally far more aggrevating than not having any appointments all day was having a day of appointments where no one shows up because they overslept, had to meet someone, or just plain forgot.

"Why did you ask me to come here?"
"Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you."
"That big one?"
"Yeah."
"It would've flattened me like a pancake."

And perhaps there was a time where I was the guy fonging others. One time it took three seperate attempts for me to meet this girl at the ATMs on campus to do the library tour for english class. But now, I get so impatient and almost offended when people don't show up or fulfill there commitments. Like a kid waiting for his mom to pick him up from swim practice on a hot summer day or after football practice on a rainy afternoon. Dozens of or cutting rebukes on their lack of character and relative resposibility. Remarks that never come to an audible fruition when contrasted to the real reasoning behind their absence or delay; something like projectile vomiting or the car blowing up in a fiery explosion. I mean, come on, it's hard to be mad at someone for that. And maybe my expectations for others shouldn't surpass my own abilities. It's not like people call me Mr. Dependability...

"Don't do this to me, I have to go play with my son. I'm Jose Canseco, I'm Jose Canseco!"

... just Mr. Awesome.

"Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis is the greatest game ever..."

Well, Halo 2 is out.

"You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game."

I wanted to write about this yesterday but got distracted halfway through writing and then in my gusto to get home and...well, play Halo 2, I closed the window without even saving what I had. And just let the record show, I do love Halo 2. It's gorgeous, very customizable, and above all else...it's a new game. But I'm not without my reservations and problems with the game.

"Oh, it's Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course."

In order change things up and improve them they seem to have made things unnecessarily complicated. There are no long big open levels or simple logical lay-outs, rather most of the maps are filled with obstacles and hindering terrain. New weapons and the ability to wield two weapons at the same time often leaves me standing over a gun for 30 seconds trying figure out exactly what weapon or combination of weapons I want.

"It's easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez."

And I don't like to brag, but I was good at Halo 1. And what made me love it all the more was that I came into it from the bottom; being ridiculously beaten on every hand, to being the leader in kills. But the parts that I loved and got good at in Halo (specifically pistol fights in big open spaces)...are gone from the new incarnation and I am left sort of left with a nostalgic yearning for my comfort zone. Blood Gulch, a pistol, and Capture the Flag.

"Man, I did love this game. I'd have played for food money. It was the game... The sounds, the smells."

What made Halo a classic was not so much the game, but the people. Halo was only as fun as the friends you played with. It was about scraping together enough boxes, getting a comfortable seat, and rallying together as a team. Yelling out directions, whispering strategies to your teammate, going downstairs to rub in the glorious victory, or locking the door and turning out the lights to hide the shame of your loss. And while the medium has changed slightly, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if Halo 2 will bring together friends and good times like its predecessor did and still does...

"...Donkey Kong sucks."
"You know what? You suck."

"How am I not myself?"

I guess I get too ambitious and write long pretentious posts about imagined conflicts or futile analogies...or I write nothing at all. Consistency, I think I want consistency now. Not just consistency in my bjournal, but consistency in my life. But consistency can rapidly become routine, and routine can lead to boredom. So I guess I want some varied and exciting consistency. And I want a spear that can pierce any shield and a shield that is impervious to all spears.

"Everything is the same even if it's different."

Perhaps I feel like a contradiction myself. A contradiction born in indifference. Knowing what should be done, but failing to do so. Knowing what shouldn't be done, but failing to refrain. Nothing major or of a serious nature, yet that makes it all the more rational and justifiable.

"You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."

And that's where the real contradiction comes in. I know I should care. I feel the conflict within and try to remain a Switzerland in my own life. It's Dustin's own defense system, if there is an emotional wound or leak anywhere I just lock down everything until I get it under control. The problem is that this defense mechanism is so well tuned and automated, it happens without my knowledge or even consent. And before I know it, I don't feel.

"And suddenly I felt nothing. I couldn't cry. So, once again, I couldn't sleep."

But it's the easy way out. And sadly, that is what I tend to look for -- the easy way out. I don't look for the difficult or most challenging manner of action. No that sounds like work. And while I have been known to knuckle down and do hard work from time to time (or even for a two year period), it's usually because I'm out of options or there is no options. And sadly enough, barely dodging the bullet doesn't seem to make me that much more likely to avoid gunfire, it seems only to affirm my own ability to dodge bullets. I imagine it's like a soldier who survives several dozen battles, no longer sees each missed shot or dodged bullet as miraculous or spectacular, but rather sees it as common or expected. Shots riddling all around you and your not worried about the next clip unloaded at you or the one that just missed you, you've grown apathetic. If the next one gets you, that sucks and if it misses you that's rad. You feel like you have not control over your destiny and "suddenly you become euphoric, docile, you accept your fate."

"I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue...I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work."

Dallin Oaks just spoke at the devotional and the topic of his talk was "Where will this lead?" Which makes me think...where WILL this lead? That, is an excellent question.

"Feel better, champ."

...myself?

“Oh, Dave….FUDGE!”

Sometimes movie quotes are the most effective way I have for expressing myself...and maybe the most entertaining.

“It’s like fate.”
“Exactly! It was my fate to meet her.”
“But it wasn’t your fate to BE with her. Unfortunately my friend, fate has a different plan for you. You will grow-up, go out into the world. You’ll forget all about the things that happened here, Ethan, Angela, the shit we pulled, those hookers that we THOUGHT were girls. And ya know, you’re gonna go out there and no one…NO one can shoot you down, because a woman one time stepped on your heart and left a scar in its wake. That is your FATE, Dave…

…just as it is my fate, to someday become Shogun.”

“We have been getting screwed by the system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own system, it's a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you row, you... boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay…

…I have a comment. Just so you guys know, I’m not gay.”

“I want to make sure that you and I are best friends – ‘gnome’ matter what.”
“Ethan, that's a troll. “
“‘Gnome’ it's not.”

“All right Jack. If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?”
“Hmmm, I'd have to say... slave-to-the-freaky-ass-booty.”

A stream of my thoughts, and those are from just one movie...slacker.

“Now put your clothes back on, and I'll buy you an ice cream.”

I’m a rainbow sherbet kind of guy. Almost without fail, I go to Baskin-Robbins with hopes of a new surprise, a new flavor to tantalize my mouth. I enter filled with ambition and ideas for the future of my ice cream frenzy. I enter with all of that and I exit with rainbow sherbet. Why do I come back to rainbow sherbet? Because it’s my favorite; the flavor I like the most. I could try other flavors and every so often I do. But I rarely find anything to compare to the elation I feel for rainbow sherbet. Actually, when X-men 2 came out in theaters, Baskin Robbins held a promotion where they gave away free cones of the cross-promotional tie-in flavors of Xtreme Blue Rasberry Blast and Mutant Mint Shockwave or something catchy and fresh like that. I tried the blue raspberry and I liked it and for the better part of that summer, that was my flavor of choice. It was my favorite. But somehow I was back to rainbow sherbet, I guess it just fulfilled my needs. I have one favorite at a time, and that’s what I prefer.

“Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!…What are you looking at? Damn you all... and such.”

My brother Todd is different. He can have a different flavor each time he walks into Baskin-Robbins and enjoy it just as much as any other flavor. I use Todd as an example because several of his high school buddies worked at Baskin-Robbins and so on any given trip to the Mall, one was usually on duty and would give us free scoops. So naturally a bulk of my Baskin-Robbins experience includes Todd. Todd could go in and get mint chocolate chip one time, rocky road the next, and then turn around and get bubble gum. It boggles my mind how someone can like so many different flavors. Sure I like chocolate peanut butter, Mutant Blue Sherbet Bonanza, and even bubble gum. But not as totally as I like rainbow sherbet. Todd can see the good in each of the different flavors. Things he enjoys about this one or that one. I can only see the total sum of all its qualities. I can have only one favorite.

“There can be only one!”

Maybe it’s a problem of perception. I see things singularly, while others see them plurally. If I preferred a different flavor, then the former, by very definition is NOT my favorite. I have but one “favorite” flavor at a time, all the other 30 flavors are merely secondary to that flavor. I could try to enjoy other flavors, thinking that maybe they could be my favorite. But really all I would be doing is trying to pretend that I was not totally devoted to rainbow sherbet.

“Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.”

This is an analogy, I guess, to…dating. Some people can date prolifically. Like this about one person and that about another person. Other people, only date one person at a time. Again a difference between singular and plural perspectives, holistic versus separatistic. Additionally each group finds it difficult to understand the other. Difficult to understand how someone could date one person for 6 months or why someone feels the need to go out with a different girl each night of the week. Neither side is really right or wrong, its just the way things are. I only relate this because I always seem to pick the flavors that either are no longer available or just plain sold out. And I think maybe “Strawberry Cheescake Chunk” will be my new favorite, it’s time for a new favorite, because obviously this flavor is not an option. But just because a flavor isn’t available, doesn’t make it ‘not’ your favorite. You’ve got to find a new flavor that beats the old one, not just one to replace it. And sadly its something you rarely have control over…it just happens. I’m still trying to find a flavor that is actually available at a Baskin-Robbins near me. Cause while I do love ice cream and girls…there really can be only one.

“We can never see past the choices we don't understand.”

…though sometimes it seems more like “There can be only none.”